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Lucius ficlet, from hp_uk_meetup (I)

Well, another hp_uk_meetup has come and gone, and I have permission from the hard-ass Head Nurse, who apparently managed the thing to perfection, to now post the little drabbles I wrote for it. Since one of the them is longish I'll put them in separate posts. Hugs to my recipients chthonya, croatoan6000, and daiseechain -- hope you enjoyed them!!

Herewith, drabble the first!

(Author's note: Full credit goes to my spouse for this one. He came up with the truly awful pun and I just ran with it.)


Lucius and the Long Arm of the DMV

Lucius stared at the incredibly ugly rusted hulk parked in front of the Manor gates. His lip curled in disgust. He waved his wand at it and muttered "Flipendo!"

Nothing happened. He frowned.

"Mobiliarbus!" he said, somewhat louder.

Nothing happened again, with a bit more emphasis.

Lucius' pale skin became a tad flushed. "REDUCTO!" he shouted, waving his wand at the thing.

Nothing happened. Or, alternatively, something didn't.

Hissing, Lucius gave vent to his temper and whacked the car a good one with his silver-headed cane. The new dent was immediately lost in the dozens of old ones. Breathing heavily, he stared at the hideous Muggle invention. His blood pressure was starting to rise. Perhaps he could Apparate it. He stepped forward, gingerly laid a hand on the hood, and made the gesture that should have taken them both a mile down the lane.

The car sat there like an immovable object that had never encountered an irresistible force and had no intention of starting now.

"Gaaaaahhh!!!" Lucius growled through gritted teeth. Thank Merlin there was no one around to see him behave so --

"Hello, Malfoy," said a cheerful voice behind him. "Having a spot of trouble with your car?"

Lucius whipped around, white-blond hair flying. "Weasley."

Arthur Weasley tipped his hat. "Need a hand?"

"Not in the slightest. I'm just Apparating it out of the way. Muggle contraptions offend my sensibilities," he added with a sneer.

"Ah. Well, crack on, then," Weasley said, gesturing him to proceed.

Lucius turned back to the car, praying to Merlin that this time it would work. This time he grasped the tall thin metal rod sticking out of the top.

"Mind the antenna," Weasley said helpfully.

Ignoring the red-headed twit, and concentrating more profoundly than he had done since he took his Apparition exams in sixth year, Lucius tried again.

This time a great deal of nothing happened, all at once. Had Lucius been alone he might have cried. Or spontaneously exploded. To be bested by a Muggle artifact in front of this Muggle-loving, incompetent...

Weasley cleared his throat. "Mind if I have a go?" he asked. Without waiting for an answer, he stepped forward and laid a gentle hand on the driver's side door handle. "1972 Ford Pinto," he said admiringly. "Lovely car." He closed his eyes and, without the slightest visible effort, Apparated the thing neatly ten yards to the left onto a grassy clearing at the side of the road.

Lucius seethed in frustration. "It -- You -- How is this possible??"

Weasley pulled a small rectangular plastic card from his wallet and held it out. Looking closely, Lucius saw that it bore a small photograph -- the still kind that Muggles use -- of Arthur Weasley; below the photograph was his name, birthdate, and address ("The Burrow, Ottery St. Catchpole"), and a long string of letters and numbers. Just beside Arthur's thumb he could see the word "License."

"Silly Malfoy," Arthur said kindly. "Everyone knows you need a license to Apparate a motor vehicle."



My two other bits of silliness are here and here.

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( 5 bugs reported — Report a bug )
daiseechain
Jul. 11th, 2010 04:29 pm (UTC)
Grooooaaaan.

That's one of those 'so bad it's good' puns. Love it.
delphipsmith
Jul. 12th, 2010 06:36 am (UTC)
Thanks :) Yes, it's a shaggy dog, no doubt about it LOL! As many famous people have said, puns are the highest form of wit, with a long and respectable heritage, and so I stand by it proudly, without any shame :)

Edited at 2010-07-12 06:37 am (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
delphipsmith
Jul. 15th, 2010 02:44 am (UTC)
Re: What is WRONG with you? Don't ever be RIGHT.
Heeee.... Thanks :)
noeon
Jul. 26th, 2010 03:04 am (UTC)
OOOHHHHHHHH so ssillllly!! Silly husband! *glomps both of you*
( 5 bugs reported — Report a bug )

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